Loneliness

How is it we can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely? Not left out because you’re not involved in the discussion taking place but truly lonely inside, lost and wondering if anyone will ever ‘get you’, unsure that even you ‘get you’. True loneliness is a heavy weight to carry and one which is invisible to everyone else around you, carrying a shame which means it cannot be mentioned.

Now being alone can be bliss whether in a room full of people (I love being in a busy book store cafe sat reading with a cuppa in my own world) or physically alone (I love sitting on the sofa alone cuddled up with a good film or book), it can be recharging, relaxing and most of all enjoyable. This alone time is very different to loneliness, deep rooted loneliness which is there whatever you are doing or whoever you are with it is there.  

Loneliness has been with me for as long as I can remember from sitting around the table quietly with four other children in primary school to partying as hard as I could as a seemly confident carefree young women. Long term partnership and marriage has not filled the void, motherhood is the most beautiful gift yet it doesn’t fill the gap. What’s wrong with me? Conventional medication couldn’t take it away.

Until recently I truly believed this was something I was alone in experiencing, surely others couldn’t be living with this as well? Everyone else looks so happy, contented and fulfilled.

Turns out so do I! Firstly I thought why don’t people talk about this more then a more important question came to mind. What is it we are looking for to complete us, to fill the loneliness?

Alcohol, drugs, sex and even material belongings just are not enough, they are short term fixes but the loneliness is deep rooted. It is within the soul, not the physical hence the physical fixes not filling the gap. What are our souls in need of to rid our selves of this intense feeling?

Do our souls need a belief system a religion even to feel connected to more than just the physical earth? Personally I have explored a few different belief systems reading and researching, some of it making sense to me other parts just not sitting well with me at all. 

The earth is one thing which eases this loneliness, a nice walk in the countryside, a beautiful view on a clear day eases the loneliness. It always has done even as a child I remember finding comfort in the great outside world. The night sky calls me, the sight of a full moon on a clear night is hypnotic to me. 

As I explore and find comfort in the elements and cycle of the earth I wonder if that was what I needed all along, does my soul need to be connected to the cycle it is part of? If we all stayed connected to nature and listened to our bodies would we feel more fulfilled? Is the busy physical life, the world of social media, deadlines and expectations disconnecting us and if not causing then increasing the loneliness within many of us?