Has Bipolar saved me?

Has Bipolar saved me? Strange question some might say. At the age of 26 a kind, gentle psychologist confirmed what a locum GP and mental health nurse had explained to me - I have Bipolar Disorder. I do not like the expression 'I am Bipolar' because that is just not true I am me and as for the term 'I suffer from Bipolar' well no that is just not true either. This is personal preference as I have met people who use these terms happily, I personally do not find them very supportive or positive but each to their own.

Previously my life had been full of alcohol, drugs, unhealthy food, smoking and none of this helped my episodes. I later found my actions to be very common and in the medical field referred to as self medicating. I stopped this all a few years before my diagnosis - causing one of my biggest episodes as I removed all my coping mechanisms. Removing all of this did ease my symptoms dramatically and in the time that followed I got married and had two beautiful girls but something was always there and when I fell unwell when our youngest was 6 months old it proved that it could come back at any time with great force and power. I felt that giving up all the 'bad stuff' had been pointless!

That time in my life was the hardest talking about this recently to my husband in his eyes I was coping better than previous episodes as I was calmer and not so explosive. That was because I had given up, I was waiting to be left alone long enough to ensure my time on the physical earth was over. I had planned my funeral, written letters to my parents, husband, siblings and children. I had accepted I wouldn't be here as they grew up and as much as it hurt I saw that as best for them. All I was doing was playing the game here until I could quietly go and stop the pain.

One evening I had it planned, oh my I have never felt relieve like it knowing I had only a few hours left. I put the girls to bed, knowing my husband would be back late from work gave me a couple hours to ensure my passing. I am sat here writing this though so what happened? That night was the only night my husband was allowed to leave work early! Just as I got my final cup of tea he walked in the door. The disappointment, the frustration but what could I do? I made him a cup of tea, chatted about his shift at work and we went to bed. That night I cried myself to sleep knowing I had another day to face!

The next day though I felt slightly lighter, the world around me had a shade more colour, I had a tinge of feelings inside me again for a spilt second, strange I thought. Over the next couple days the colours where brighter, the warmth of my family home began warming me, the smiles were coming more naturally. Maybe life could be manageable after all? I told my husband what I had planned a few days after, showed him the letters I had hidden away as he had come in the door. Although life still wasn't enjoyable I felt I couldn't leave it now either. As each day passed things got slightly easier and after a month I found little things enjoyable again. It took me 3-4 months to be back to myself but each day there was a small improvement but I can honestly say I have never felt like my old self again.

When you've been to that place and are saved little things mean so much more to you, you know the simple things - the night sky, a cuddle, a beautiful flower or view. These were things I never thought I would see again! I had said goodbye to this world then something stopped me. The word saved is truly how I feel, someone/something saved me that night, my husband was never able to come home early again after that and never had been before but that night he was and that saved my life, gave my daughters their mother and ensured my parents didn't lose theirs. That early drive home meant he kept his wife.

My outlook has never been the same. Thanks to Bipolar I now enjoy simple joys like fresh air, beautiful views and warmth. Thanks to Bipolar I now don't seek happiness through shopping and other materialistic goals. Thanks to Bipolar I ensure I eat healthy, rest enough and exercise to keep my body and mind healthy. Thanks to Bipolar I no longer feel I have to conform to what society says I should do/say/think, life is too short for that. Thanks to Bipolar I only have those in my life who I want, I will not waste time on people who cause unhappiness. Thanks to Bipolar after a tough day I remind myself of the little things which went well that day to stay thankful and not slip into the cycle of negative beliefs. So thanks to Bipolar my life has changed so much for the better, I am a more loving, positive individual making me a better wife, mother, daughter and friend than I would have been without my experience. So yes it saved me from myself!

Motherhood and Personal Identity

Becoming a mother showed me a part of me I never knew existed, as like all new parents when I delivered our eldest a new me was also born - a strength I never thought I had, emotions I had never experienced and a love which words cannot describe.

How do you keep you keep your identity when parenthood fills your brain? In those early days there is nothing else on your mind except the small human being you have been blessed with and rightly so. How do you keep your personal identity? Your other relationships healthy and balanced?

These are big questions to me and something I see some people manage more so than others. What is their secret? The biggest problem with me was my personal identity changed dramatically not because I became a mother but because of my own personal head stuff and I do not miss the old me at all. Deep down though maybe this is why I struggle to keep my personal identity separate from Mummy because it all changed so much around the same time. Maybe I should make time to be me away from my children and relax? This is what I am told by friends, family and the media world so it must be what I need to do right?!

Wrong! I love being with my children all day everyday and watching them grow. One day they won't need me around so why do I want to miss it now, I cannot get this time back. I used to believe that I was struggling to keep my personal identity since becoming a mother but being a mother is part of my identity now and that is a beautiful thing. I still read books to relax, enjoy cooking and experimenting with new recipes, love being outside walking, exploring and have a rather sweet tooth - all of these were part of me before motherhood. OK I might not get as much time to do these things alone but now I do this with two beautiful souls by my side. Yes sometimes I want some peace by myself, I am human after all and I ensure when those feelings arise that I let my husband know so we can get it arranged. As our girls get older it is becoming easier though, going to bed early with a book when I need some me time is something our girls get now (the majority of the time) and it has been a perfect way to teach them about self care - an important part of our lives if we are to stay healthy and happy! 

Yes me and my husband miss our pub lunches with friends which lead into afternoons and evenings of laughter and dance, we look back at those days fondly with appreciation but times have changed for us all now and that isn't a bad thing! Maybe we can pick it up again when the children are adults and see who still has the best moves. We enjoy the moments now when we can share a tub of ice cream together when the girls are both sleeping well, they mean more now they are a rare enjoyment.

So to those parents who happily have their regular nights out and lunches with friends child free and enjoy it, keep doing it and keep enjoying it! I have no opinion on your choices I just know that isn't for me. Me and my husband are happy with film nights at home and cuddles on the sofa for our 'us' time and once maybe twice a year when we do go out child free is more than enough for now!

Loneliness

How is it we can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely? Not left out because you’re not involved in the discussion taking place but truly lonely inside, lost and wondering if anyone will ever ‘get you’, unsure that even you ‘get you’. True loneliness is a heavy weight to carry and one which is invisible to everyone else around you, carrying a shame which means it cannot be mentioned.

Now being alone can be bliss whether in a room full of people (I love being in a busy book store cafe sat reading with a cuppa in my own world) or physically alone (I love sitting on the sofa alone cuddled up with a good film or book), it can be recharging, relaxing and most of all enjoyable. This alone time is very different to loneliness, deep rooted loneliness which is there whatever you are doing or whoever you are with it is there.  

Loneliness has been with me for as long as I can remember from sitting around the table quietly with four other children in primary school to partying as hard as I could as a seemly confident carefree young women. Long term partnership and marriage has not filled the void, motherhood is the most beautiful gift yet it doesn’t fill the gap. What’s wrong with me? Conventional medication couldn’t take it away.

Until recently I truly believed this was something I was alone in experiencing, surely others couldn’t be living with this as well? Everyone else looks so happy, contented and fulfilled.

Turns out so do I! Firstly I thought why don’t people talk about this more then a more important question came to mind. What is it we are looking for to complete us, to fill the loneliness?

Alcohol, drugs, sex and even material belongings just are not enough, they are short term fixes but the loneliness is deep rooted. It is within the soul, not the physical hence the physical fixes not filling the gap. What are our souls in need of to rid our selves of this intense feeling?

Do our souls need a belief system a religion even to feel connected to more than just the physical earth? Personally I have explored a few different belief systems reading and researching, some of it making sense to me other parts just not sitting well with me at all. 

The earth is one thing which eases this loneliness, a nice walk in the countryside, a beautiful view on a clear day eases the loneliness. It always has done even as a child I remember finding comfort in the great outside world. The night sky calls me, the sight of a full moon on a clear night is hypnotic to me. 

As I explore and find comfort in the elements and cycle of the earth I wonder if that was what I needed all along, does my soul need to be connected to the cycle it is part of? If we all stayed connected to nature and listened to our bodies would we feel more fulfilled? Is the busy physical life, the world of social media, deadlines and expectations disconnecting us and if not causing then increasing the loneliness within many of us? 

In the beginning..

Writing is something which keeps coming up time and time again in my life, maybe I could write about all the times one day! Anyhow I thought it was about time I took the hint and gave it a go, push myself out of my comfort zone. I love my comfort zone, it used to be much smaller but I was forced out of it to escape the depths of a mental health problem which I am very grateful for. I'm guilty of hiding behind that though and thinking 'I pushed myself loads to get here today, I've done enough'.

Have we ever done enough though? Really? I rarely feel I am enough but feel I have done enough it just isn't always good enough. This is another thing I am working on, I am always working on something. I believe there is always room for improvement when it comes to self development. 

I suppose writing this is part of my self development isn't it?

So apart from my role in this world of doing and being the best I can be at each and every moment I am blessed with, I am also wife and mother to two. Looking ahead I see posts about motherhood and marriage alongside food and natural living. Those topics pretty much sum up every area of my life and the majority no actually all of the thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis fit into one of those four categories. 

So lets see what this writing world brings...