Previously my life had been full of alcohol, drugs, unhealthy food, smoking and none of this helped my episodes. I later found my actions to be very common and in the medical field referred to as self medicating. I stopped this all a few years before my diagnosis - causing one of my biggest episodes as I removed all my coping mechanisms. Removing all of this did ease my symptoms dramatically and in the time that followed I got married and had two beautiful girls but something was always there and when I fell unwell when our youngest was 6 months old it proved that it could come back at any time with great force and power. I felt that giving up all the 'bad stuff' had been pointless!
That time in my life was the hardest talking about this recently to my husband in his eyes I was coping better than previous episodes as I was calmer and not so explosive. That was because I had given up, I was waiting to be left alone long enough to ensure my time on the physical earth was over. I had planned my funeral, written letters to my parents, husband, siblings and children. I had accepted I wouldn't be here as they grew up and as much as it hurt I saw that as best for them. All I was doing was playing the game here until I could quietly go and stop the pain.
One evening I had it planned, oh my I have never felt relieve like it knowing I had only a few hours left. I put the girls to bed, knowing my husband would be back late from work gave me a couple hours to ensure my passing. I am sat here writing this though so what happened? That night was the only night my husband was allowed to leave work early! Just as I got my final cup of tea he walked in the door. The disappointment, the frustration but what could I do? I made him a cup of tea, chatted about his shift at work and we went to bed. That night I cried myself to sleep knowing I had another day to face!
The next day though I felt slightly lighter, the world around me had a shade more colour, I had a tinge of feelings inside me again for a spilt second, strange I thought. Over the next couple days the colours where brighter, the warmth of my family home began warming me, the smiles were coming more naturally. Maybe life could be manageable after all? I told my husband what I had planned a few days after, showed him the letters I had hidden away as he had come in the door. Although life still wasn't enjoyable I felt I couldn't leave it now either. As each day passed things got slightly easier and after a month I found little things enjoyable again. It took me 3-4 months to be back to myself but each day there was a small improvement but I can honestly say I have never felt like my old self again.
When you've been to that place and are saved little things mean so much more to you, you know the simple things - the night sky, a cuddle, a beautiful flower or view. These were things I never thought I would see again! I had said goodbye to this world then something stopped me. The word saved is truly how I feel, someone/something saved me that night, my husband was never able to come home early again after that and never had been before but that night he was and that saved my life, gave my daughters their mother and ensured my parents didn't lose theirs. That early drive home meant he kept his wife.
My outlook has never been the same. Thanks to Bipolar I now enjoy simple joys like fresh air, beautiful views and warmth. Thanks to Bipolar I now don't seek happiness through shopping and other materialistic goals. Thanks to Bipolar I ensure I eat healthy, rest enough and exercise to keep my body and mind healthy. Thanks to Bipolar I no longer feel I have to conform to what society says I should do/say/think, life is too short for that. Thanks to Bipolar I only have those in my life who I want, I will not waste time on people who cause unhappiness. Thanks to Bipolar after a tough day I remind myself of the little things which went well that day to stay thankful and not slip into the cycle of negative beliefs. So thanks to Bipolar my life has changed so much for the better, I am a more loving, positive individual making me a better wife, mother, daughter and friend than I would have been without my experience. So yes it saved me from myself!
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