Let the children lead the way! - Updated

Updated post - Originally posted August 2018

Last week I viewed a video about palm oil, as I was watching it our seven year old entered the room asking what it was I was watching, her younger sister was soon up from her Lego also asking what it was. Now the farming and use of palm oil is a big topic which like all big topics carries massive debates both for and against. So how do I explain this to two young children, easy I restart the video and show it to them. Let them hear the information, let them soak in the images and words and ask them at the end what they thought? Plain and simple, both state it is unfair, question what we eat with palm oil in and that we cannot buy anything with it in anymore!

Our eldest has been a vegan for about a year and a half now and is very strict when it comes to ensuring she is not consuming animal products and even checks hand washes when we are out so she can avoid any animal products. I admire her passion, she wants to change the world and I am with her all the way! Now both girls love Linda McCartney sausages for Saturday breakfast and our eldest recently began having the country pies as her Friday night chip treat tea. This week whilst shopping we sadly discovered both contain palm oil in, now  many would say it is hard to avoid it all the time and pop them into the basket because after all they are your favourite right? That doesn't happen in our house, our eldest said 'Well we wont have those anymore' plain and simple no complaints we just sourced a different treat tea and who needs sausages for weekend breakfast, waffles and beans are plenty. Our youngest said well done to her sister and that she was glad we weren't having them if they have that stuff in and they took off down the freezer isle with their heads held high!

Now what if more families, individuals of all ages were taught about what was in their food? Would the consumer demand dramatically change? Well I do believe so! As a vegan adult I hear all the time how nice the taste of meat is, how it is easier and quicker when out and how it is what we've done for years because it seems the taste, convenience and culture are clearly worth more than other animals lives to so many. Now this can change because I also hear as a parent how many children aren't keen when they discover what meat actually is. We have friends who call chickens hens if they see them out else their son will not eat his roast chicken! Come on guys, listen to the children they can see we are being unfair whether directly by eating the animal or my destroying the homes of beautiful animals leaving them to slowly die.

Education is the key to this, I was discussing dairy with my step father the other month who asked why vegans do not eat dairy products, when I explained the cruelty in separating a calf from its mother to have the milk intended for the calf and not us he told me that doesn't happen, humans only have the excess! This man is in his 60's and has no idea how the milk in his fridge has got there. This has to change! Lets educate ourselves, no matter our age. The children really are our future - it is time we listen and follow in their footsteps.

Now if after watching the video you feel inspired to help stop this awful industry please scroll down the page and under the video you will be able to sign the petition, spread the word!

Updated 2020 - As a family we were delighted to see our favourites now labelled as 'New Palm Oil Free recipe.' Fantastic to see more companies heading either palm oil free or using only sustainable palm oil!  

Let children cry!

'Don't cry, you're a big boy you're OK'
'Don't be silly there is no need to cry'
'Stop crying!'
'If you want to cry I'll give you something to cry about!'
'Come on, stop crying and come look at this'
'We can't do (activity) until you stop crying'
'Everyone doesn't want to hear all this crying'

How many times are children told not to cry, that it is silly, that how they are feeling isn't worth the expression of tears, that people don't want to hear their tears because it is annoying or loud, that them crying is an inconvenience to those around them so they need to be quiet?

Fast forward ten years or so and we have teenagers. How many times do you hear parents say, 'They won't talk to me', 'God knows whats going on in their head', 'She is so grumpy some days but just won't tell me why', 'If he doesn't tell me whats going on how am I ever going to be able to help?'

Would you tell anyone how you felt if when you were upset previously you'd been told it was silly, inconvenient and unnecessary?

Now forward another ten years and we have adults, struggling to express themselves, struggling with anxiety, depression and other mental health conditions, struggling with low self worth and self medicating to try and cope with the emotions they feel they cannot express.

Now what if when a child cried they were offered physical comfort, listened to effectively and fully, given time to express their upset, guided through recovering from their upset effectively and if suitable how to avoid it in the future. 

What if the adults around them treated the cause for their upset as seriously as they do their own. It isn't just a pony toy to them it is so much more than that, yes it is upsetting to them that their apple fell on the floor or the cafe didn't have their favourite smoothie available today. These are big, important things and they should be treated this way.

Imagine how different a child treated in this way will feel about talking to their parents as a teenager regarding their personal challenges or upsets. When they are treated with the same love and respect during their teenage years, imagine how they comfortable they will be discussing emotions and challenges as an adult. Discussing emotions and challenges openly has a positive effect on our mental and physical health as adults. Isn't this what we want for our children?

It is time to start thinking seriously about how we speak to our children, their future health is at stake.

Supermarket off load

'You have one with short and one with long' said the women behind me in the supermarket queue with a surprised tone whilst pointing over my shoulder to my two daughters in front. Our eldest with a pixie style cut and our youngest with hair way past her waist. Now this was the first verbal communication she made to me, a total stranger I had only first seen less than a minute before when we smiled at one another as I moved myself forward to give her more space to unpack her trolley onto the conveyor belt. Now I would describe my initial reaction as shocked, totally baffled actually, it took a moment for me to breathe and think on the spot of quite how to react to her words which I took to be rude and random. So I said the first thought in my mind in a baffled tone which I tried to keep hidden but my surprised face must have said it all, 'Because they are different kids', her response was a confused face and a rather highly spoken 'Oh are they different even being sisters?', a simple smile and a yes was all I could manage and thankfully it was my turn to be served. Conversation over!

Now I have a sister and we are very different people because we are individuals no matter if we share a mother or not! When I had a second daughter in no way did I think she would be just like her sister, not as a baby, toddler, child, teen or adult because they are two individual people! 

Our girls choose their own hair cuts, it is their hair not mine so it is their choice. Now our eldest cannot manage long hair, she tried it, tried the bob because the length annoyed her then one day when our hairdresser came around said she wanted to cut it short. It got cut short in a style her and the hairdresser found online together. Our youngest wants to be Rapunzel, she has additional needs meaning the sound of scissors causes her upset so she said she would just have hair like Rapunzel then she wouldn't have to cut it. Both of them figured out a way to have their hair which would safe them distress, one avoiding knots and the other scissor noise and they are both happy with the results. 

My children will not be forced to have their hair any other way than how they want it, it is their body and their choice and they know that! 

Would that women have pointed out me and my sister's hair in a queue together in front of my mother? Or can we make individual choices now because we are 31 and 46? 

As the girls are children did she think I would have had their hair cut the same in a style so they looked even more similar?

I honestly do not know, I am still baffled by the comment and her shock at being told they were different children. She clearly saw nothing rude about her words but after the shock that was all I could see from her remark. Now maybe I am overreacting but how do people feel such comments are OK to just blurt out to strangers? The more sarcastic side of me would have gone 'Oh yea thanks for pointing that out' but we all know that is not productive despite being tempting. 

   

Thanks, I Love You!

Today during a conversation with my brother a passing comment was made and agreed by us both - we never remember our mother saying she loves us. We are 31 and 45 years of age, our Mum is still very much alive at 68 years and yet neither of us ever remember hearing our Mum say she loves us. Our family don't do feelings, open chats and communication at all well and I feel this proves that even more.

Why though? Does she not love us? Our relationship with our Mother has always been rather intense at times and the same can be said for our other two siblings. We were brought up to stand our ground and be confident in our thoughts, unless those thoughts were different to our mothers of course and then we were wrong in all our actions and words. My Nan, Mum's mother passed when I was 12 and I never remember hearing a positive word said about her, visiting was always an inconvenience and required a lot of effort and the relationship between the pair was clearly strained and far from close.

Mum had a stroke almost five years ago and that changed her, she is softer now and in age like many she is relaxing slightly. I've heard her say love you to her grandchildren, surely she said it to us too but were has that memory gone. Another passing comment was neither of us ever remember her saying she was proud of us. She is though, right?

Mum has said and done some very hurtful things towards me and I have reacted the only way I knew how growing up which was to say some hurtful things back in my teens and then shut her out in my early adult years. Her words have never left me and even now I protect myself from her, not seeing her if feeling vulnerable or tired, energy bubbles and affirmations before/during a catch up and working hard to gain the confidence and self love that was knocked from me during childhood.

I have worked on releasing anger towards her and through therapy, meditation and personal growth have learnt to live with the past as the past and look forward. I am not sure I have forgiven Mum though, if anything now as a mother myself I am truly baffled at how I have been treated and work hard to not be the parent she was. It dawned on me during my conversation with my brother that we have both had to go through this and have done it separately and in a very shut off manor, something my other two siblings must have also done as we were all treated the same growing up. It saddens me we couldn't have pulled together but I was grateful for the brief chat with my brother as I didn't feel so alone in my situation (I made sure I told him I was glad we had had our chat).

We all have children now and each of us four siblings have brought/are bringing our children up very differently to one another. I am sure we are all ensuring our children know they are loved though! That's how parenting works right, you either become just as your parents were or go in a different direction to try and allow your children a childhood different to your own.

Sadly it has taken me a while to realise this is something my own mother couldn't do, her mother didn't or couldn't show her the affection a child needs and so she had no idea how to show it to us. Her own issues and anger had a knock on affect on all four of her children and we have all had our difficulties within our relationship with her and as individuals. In a way I feel sorry for her, as I see her age and begin to view life differently, realise for some things it is just too late, you cannot get time back.

Then the next step in my head is the fear of what if I do the same to my children or if in my overcompensating behaviour I cause a different kind of issue? I would go as far to say I am paranoid about becoming not only the mother but also the wife that she is. This fear is unhealthy and I am working on releasing it for I know how the law of attraction works and that is something I most definitely do not wish to attract.

I know I love her and despite a lot of doubt throughout my life I do believe she loves me as she does all of her children. I am going to take our relationship as a lesson - what a blessing to have a lesson so early on in my life to teach me how I want to live my adult life and how I want to parent. So really the one thing I do want to say to my Mum is 'Thanks, I love you'.

We all need reminding sometimes...

It is OK if your energy is low. It is OK to cancel going out because you just aren't in the mood. It is OK to eat a bar of chocolate and enjoy it. It is OK to give the gym a miss. It is OK to breathe a deep breath and be grateful when the children have gone to bed after a long day and you have peace.

We all have days when our energy is low, these are the days when we need to listen to our bodies even more so, this is a warning sign. A large dose of self care is needed, if you need to cuddle up under the blanket on the sofa with a good film and a cuppa then go for it. Pop a film on for the children so you can have a nice cuppa in peace and don't feel guilty - you'll be a much more relaxed parent afterwards!

Children Learn What the Live

I have always loved this, to me it is so full of truth and brings us back to the basics of parenting and being involved in any child's life whether as friend or family. 

Remember the basics as that is where the building blocks of a person truly begin and they last with us a lifetime!

Creativity - Are you in there?

It has taken me to my thirties to really embrace my creativity, really dig deep and try new things. When I look at the results I am a little proud of myself instead of overly critical. It took me 15 years since I left school to do something creative because I enjoyed it, found it relaxing and just wanted to do it, no pressure just for the fun of being creative. The girl who dropped art at 13 years of age because in my mind I was clearly no good at it (my grades were terrible) actually enjoys being creative. It feels nice, relaxes me and bring me enjoyment. I wanted to do art in school, my work never got the grades though and unless I got the high grades what was the point in doing it - this was the mindset at school. Grades, grades, grades, enjoyment does not come in to it. 

Why can't children be creative just for the fun, its amazing for mental health and confidence but the opposite occurs when you starts grading children on the results of their creativity. 

Confidence is a big issue for many adults and I have lost count how many times I hear it linked to school experiences and grading. Instead of grading our children at such a young, vulnerable age why can't we encourage them for their focus, trying time and time again until it finally clicks and for helping one another get their heads around new, exciting topics. Encouraging team work instead of separating children based on their grades and praising the higher graded children more so than those with lower grades would surely have a positive impact on self esteem, community and teach these much needed life skills. 

Grades can be important later in life but lets not forget the person underneath the grades. 

Now in my thirties I am going to enjoy my creative side, allow my creative confidence to grow knowing there is no mark sheet in sight and you know that feels really great!  

Meditation for Children

I regularly do light breathing meditations with our girls, I have had no training I am guided by our needs and we just do them when we need them. Not always the three of us, sometimes only one of the girls wants do some and that is always respected in our household. Never is anything forced including meditation.

I just wanted to share with you what we do, we are more connected afterwards, calmer and quite often asleep!

Firstly we discuss a colour, we sometimes have more than one, sometimes we have glitter - we just go on how we are feeling. We get comfortable (usually lying down) and check in that we are all comfortable, warm/cool enough then settle down and close our eyes. Then I begin talking them through some basic light work...

"Now with our eyes closed and our bodies comfortable we are going to take some big deep breathes in and then out, in, out, in and then out. We feel relaxed now and ready to breathe in some beautiful energising/relaxing/healing (change lights properties dependent on needs) light.
Starting at your toes visualise the beautiful energising/relaxing/healing purple light coming into your toes, it feels warm and safe. As the light comes into your toes you relax and feel the warmth coming up across your feet and into your ankles. Now all of your feet are full of the most beautiful purple light. As the light slowly moves up your legs the warmth spreads up your legs also, reaching your knees the purple light wraps around the front and back of your lower legs, knees and now upper legs up into your hips. Now all your legs are heavy, warm and relaxed, sinking into the bed/floor. With your legs and hips as full as they can be with purple light it now flows on up into your stomach and up around your back. Slowly the warm light reaches higher up your back and across your shoulders. You can feel the warmth as your shoulders relax. From your stomach the light works up across your chest and over your shoulders, meeting with the light that has covered your back. As the two warm flows of light meet at the top of your shoulders, they begin to flow down your arms. Your arms relax as the light flows down past your elbow, down into your wrists and into your hands right up to the tips of each of your fingers. Your whole body is heavy now, sinking into the bed/floor and your breathe is deep and slow. You feel safe, comfortable and truly blessed to be receiving the amazing gift of light.
Finally the purple light works up your neck, over the back of your head and right up over your face. Feel each muscle as it relaxes, your eyes still closed feel even heavier than before and your jaw opens slightly as it relaxes. The purple light is flowing around your whole body now, recharging/relaxing you with the energy/relaxation/healing you need. As you take some more long, deep breathes you feel the light filling you with energy/calm/healing and your body accepts it all with thanks. You are blessed and you are grateful for this beautiful gift. Keep breathing in long, slow breathes and take in all the energy/calm/healing you need right now and give thanks for this blessing."

If we are doing this meditation for sleep/relaxation this is where I end it, whereas if we are using it for energy/healing after a pause I add "Slowly when you feel ready open your eyes, refreshed and ready to have a positive day full of love, lighter and light."

Doing this regularly helps us all, works well when big emotions arise or when an event coming up is causing anxiety. I believe these meditations will grow and develop as our girls do and as with everything they will guide us as to when the time is ready and which direction to move in.

The benefits of meditation have been documented in many areas of health and well being so why not teach our children the basics when they are young? As they grow older if they wish these skills can be developed but if not at least they know the basics which can still have positive impacts on their health and well being. Don't we all want that for our children? 

Home Education - Why we love it!

Firstly I want to make it clear I do not preach home education, it is very much personal choice and what is right for one child or family is not right for another. Simply put there is not just one way of parenting, educating, living in general. This is just what works for us and we are open to change as we grow and develop as individuals and a family unit.

What do I love about our children not going to school:

• We spend every day together! Each milestone I witness - reading, writing, swimming as well as their social developments are all witnessed by me first hand. Those moments will stay with us forever and I don't want to miss them. I cannot imagine reading about how well my daughters are doing in swimming class or that they read their first book in full in their school diaries, I don't want to miss those moments. There are times when I want some time to be me, some quiet time after all I am human but when those moments arise I am blessed enough to have a husband and children who (most of the time) listen and get that and we arrange it. I have plenty of time to read with a cuppa, have a long soak in the bath or craft when they are older too!
• If we have a disagreement it is sorted out quickly, no going our separate ways to brew over it for the day or worry about how things will be when we are reunited. This helps keep everyone's stress levels low. 
• Our lives are slower, more relaxed and we can listen to our bodies. Most days we can eat when hungry, rest when tired and work when we feel mentally ready to absorb the information. I truly believe if more people lived slowly, less stressed lives our society would be a happier, healthier place.
• We learn on the go! Our eldest learnt the basics of addition and subtraction on the local village bus. We would count the passengers then add those getting on and subtract those getting off. This made sense for her she could see it in real life not on a piece of paper with no meaning.  A girl who attended the local Rainbow group with our eldest daughter was confused how she could be learning without going to school as in her words 'You have to go to school to learn', my daughter told her all the places we learn before coming home confused by this belief. 
• We learn together, I am learning all the time with our daughters. As adults we never know it all, we are continuously learning in life. Learning doesn't stop when you leave school! I am learning so much now with my children and enjoying every moment of it.
• Aquariums, museums, libraries and pretty much everywhere is so much quieter for us. We can go to the aquarium and stop and read every sign we wish, speak to the passionate staff who are happy to answer questions and have lengthy discussions with us within the children's interests. We truly gain so much from these days out. Our children find it strange to see school visitors be rushed through to the sections needed and unable to ask questions or look at things outside the days learning criteria. To be honest I remember those school trips, I left with the few basic facts needed to tick the curriculum but not much more. 
• Learning never stops for us, every waking moment is an opportunity to learn and explore which is what life is all about right?  
• Most importantly for me is our children learn in their own way at their own pace. No pressure, no rules they learn in a way that suits them when they feel ready. In our home there is no pressure to read, it comes naturally. A baby isn't taught how to crawl, chew etc it comes naturally as humans are naturally curious and want to explore the world around them. Children soon want to understand the signs around them, the menu in the cafe and research answers to their questions independently and to do so they need to figure out the words and sentence formation. I truly believe they teach themselves if you give them space and time. 

I am happy when people question home education, I am unhappy when people want to negatively judge it, as I said in the beginning it is about doing what is right for your family and that is not the same for every family. Accepting we are not all the same and that is perfectly ok helps relationships within society a great deal so lets all try and do it a little bit more!

Motherhood and Personal Identity

Becoming a mother showed me a part of me I never knew existed, as like all new parents when I delivered our eldest a new me was also born - a strength I never thought I had, emotions I had never experienced and a love which words cannot describe.

How do you keep you keep your identity when parenthood fills your brain? In those early days there is nothing else on your mind except the small human being you have been blessed with and rightly so. How do you keep your personal identity? Your other relationships healthy and balanced?

These are big questions to me and something I see some people manage more so than others. What is their secret? The biggest problem with me was my personal identity changed dramatically not because I became a mother but because of my own personal head stuff and I do not miss the old me at all. Deep down though maybe this is why I struggle to keep my personal identity separate from Mummy because it all changed so much around the same time. Maybe I should make time to be me away from my children and relax? This is what I am told by friends, family and the media world so it must be what I need to do right?!

Wrong! I love being with my children all day everyday and watching them grow. One day they won't need me around so why do I want to miss it now, I cannot get this time back. I used to believe that I was struggling to keep my personal identity since becoming a mother but being a mother is part of my identity now and that is a beautiful thing. I still read books to relax, enjoy cooking and experimenting with new recipes, love being outside walking, exploring and have a rather sweet tooth - all of these were part of me before motherhood. OK I might not get as much time to do these things alone but now I do this with two beautiful souls by my side. Yes sometimes I want some peace by myself, I am human after all and I ensure when those feelings arise that I let my husband know so we can get it arranged. As our girls get older it is becoming easier though, going to bed early with a book when I need some me time is something our girls get now (the majority of the time) and it has been a perfect way to teach them about self care - an important part of our lives if we are to stay healthy and happy! 

Yes me and my husband miss our pub lunches with friends which lead into afternoons and evenings of laughter and dance, we look back at those days fondly with appreciation but times have changed for us all now and that isn't a bad thing! Maybe we can pick it up again when the children are adults and see who still has the best moves. We enjoy the moments now when we can share a tub of ice cream together when the girls are both sleeping well, they mean more now they are a rare enjoyment.

So to those parents who happily have their regular nights out and lunches with friends child free and enjoy it, keep doing it and keep enjoying it! I have no opinion on your choices I just know that isn't for me. Me and my husband are happy with film nights at home and cuddles on the sofa for our 'us' time and once maybe twice a year when we do go out child free is more than enough for now!