Today during a conversation with my brother a passing comment was made and agreed by us both - we never remember our mother saying she loves us. We are 31 and 45 years of age, our Mum is still very much alive at 68 years and yet neither of us ever remember hearing our Mum say she loves us. Our family don't do feelings, open chats and communication at all well and I feel this proves that even more.
Why though? Does she not love us? Our relationship with our Mother has always been rather intense at times and the same can be said for our other two siblings. We were brought up to stand our ground and be confident in our thoughts, unless those thoughts were different to our mothers of course and then we were wrong in all our actions and words. My Nan, Mum's mother passed when I was 12 and I never remember hearing a positive word said about her, visiting was always an inconvenience and required a lot of effort and the relationship between the pair was clearly strained and far from close.
Mum had a stroke almost five years ago and that changed her, she is softer now and in age like many she is relaxing slightly. I've heard her say love you to her grandchildren, surely she said it to us too but were has that memory gone. Another passing comment was neither of us ever remember her saying she was proud of us. She is though, right?
Mum has said and done some very hurtful things towards me and I have reacted the only way I knew how growing up which was to say some hurtful things back in my teens and then shut her out in my early adult years. Her words have never left me and even now I protect myself from her, not seeing her if feeling vulnerable or tired, energy bubbles and affirmations before/during a catch up and working hard to gain the confidence and self love that was knocked from me during childhood.
I have worked on releasing anger towards her and through therapy, meditation and personal growth have learnt to live with the past as the past and look forward. I am not sure I have forgiven Mum though, if anything now as a mother myself I am truly baffled at how I have been treated and work hard to not be the parent she was. It dawned on me during my conversation with my brother that we have both had to go through this and have done it separately and in a very shut off manor, something my other two siblings must have also done as we were all treated the same growing up. It saddens me we couldn't have pulled together but I was grateful for the brief chat with my brother as I didn't feel so alone in my situation (I made sure I told him I was glad we had had our chat).
We all have children now and each of us four siblings have brought/are bringing our children up very differently to one another. I am sure we are all ensuring our children know they are loved though! That's how parenting works right, you either become just as your parents were or go in a different direction to try and allow your children a childhood different to your own.
Sadly it has taken me a while to realise this is something my own mother couldn't do, her mother didn't or couldn't show her the affection a child needs and so she had no idea how to show it to us. Her own issues and anger had a knock on affect on all four of her children and we have all had our difficulties within our relationship with her and as individuals. In a way I feel sorry for her, as I see her age and begin to view life differently, realise for some things it is just too late, you cannot get time back.
Then the next step in my head is the fear of what if I do the same to my children or if in my overcompensating behaviour I cause a different kind of issue? I would go as far to say I am paranoid about becoming not only the mother but also the wife that she is. This fear is unhealthy and I am working on releasing it for I know how the law of attraction works and that is something I most definitely do not wish to attract.
I know I love her and despite a lot of doubt throughout my life I do believe she loves me as she does all of her children. I am going to take our relationship as a lesson - what a blessing to have a lesson so early on in my life to teach me how I want to live my adult life and how I want to parent. So really the one thing I do want to say to my Mum is 'Thanks, I love you'.
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