Let children cry!

'Don't cry, you're a big boy you're OK'
'Don't be silly there is no need to cry'
'Stop crying!'
'If you want to cry I'll give you something to cry about!'
'Come on, stop crying and come look at this'
'We can't do (activity) until you stop crying'
'Everyone doesn't want to hear all this crying'

How many times are children told not to cry, that it is silly, that how they are feeling isn't worth the expression of tears, that people don't want to hear their tears because it is annoying or loud, that them crying is an inconvenience to those around them so they need to be quiet?

Fast forward ten years or so and we have teenagers. How many times do you hear parents say, 'They won't talk to me', 'God knows whats going on in their head', 'She is so grumpy some days but just won't tell me why', 'If he doesn't tell me whats going on how am I ever going to be able to help?'

Would you tell anyone how you felt if when you were upset previously you'd been told it was silly, inconvenient and unnecessary?

Now forward another ten years and we have adults, struggling to express themselves, struggling with anxiety, depression and other mental health conditions, struggling with low self worth and self medicating to try and cope with the emotions they feel they cannot express.

Now what if when a child cried they were offered physical comfort, listened to effectively and fully, given time to express their upset, guided through recovering from their upset effectively and if suitable how to avoid it in the future. 

What if the adults around them treated the cause for their upset as seriously as they do their own. It isn't just a pony toy to them it is so much more than that, yes it is upsetting to them that their apple fell on the floor or the cafe didn't have their favourite smoothie available today. These are big, important things and they should be treated this way.

Imagine how different a child treated in this way will feel about talking to their parents as a teenager regarding their personal challenges or upsets. When they are treated with the same love and respect during their teenage years, imagine how they comfortable they will be discussing emotions and challenges as an adult. Discussing emotions and challenges openly has a positive effect on our mental and physical health as adults. Isn't this what we want for our children?

It is time to start thinking seriously about how we speak to our children, their future health is at stake.

When stepping back helps

Sometimes you need to step back to see things clearly and you know there is nothing wrong with that. Whether taking a few hours to step back from a big project, a week out to figure out where a relationship is going or a daily technology switch off for an hour to recharge the mind - whatever it is you need to step back from do so.

I'll admit guilt makes this hard for me but the more I do so the easier it is getting and the better I feel. My house doesn't fall down if I step away for some me time, it is an important self care practice and I am hoping it will pass on to my children to aid their self care as they grow. So work through the guilt, your body and mind will thank you for it.

Sometimes it can be stepping back from one person, a particular situation or as I can sometimes feel just life in general - a good book in bed does the job for me in those moments. Whatever or whoever you need to step back from will benefit on your return.

As a mother it is difficult to say but I am sure I am not alone in saying that sometimes I need to step away from my children, they have done nothing challenging for this to occur it is as simple as my brain gets tired sometimes and I need to be in my own space. This doesn't make me a bad parent (I thought it did in the early days though) it makes me a better one. Just an hour to myself of an evening, even a dash around the supermarket whilst they are home with their Dad bathing makes me fresher on return. It gives me time to think about any plans we have, challenges we are going through and I find great ideas come through when I have peace to switch off for a moment.

So step back, put yourself higher up the priority and to do lists and you will soon feel the benefits.

Thanks, I Love You!

Today during a conversation with my brother a passing comment was made and agreed by us both - we never remember our mother saying she loves us. We are 31 and 45 years of age, our Mum is still very much alive at 68 years and yet neither of us ever remember hearing our Mum say she loves us. Our family don't do feelings, open chats and communication at all well and I feel this proves that even more.

Why though? Does she not love us? Our relationship with our Mother has always been rather intense at times and the same can be said for our other two siblings. We were brought up to stand our ground and be confident in our thoughts, unless those thoughts were different to our mothers of course and then we were wrong in all our actions and words. My Nan, Mum's mother passed when I was 12 and I never remember hearing a positive word said about her, visiting was always an inconvenience and required a lot of effort and the relationship between the pair was clearly strained and far from close.

Mum had a stroke almost five years ago and that changed her, she is softer now and in age like many she is relaxing slightly. I've heard her say love you to her grandchildren, surely she said it to us too but were has that memory gone. Another passing comment was neither of us ever remember her saying she was proud of us. She is though, right?

Mum has said and done some very hurtful things towards me and I have reacted the only way I knew how growing up which was to say some hurtful things back in my teens and then shut her out in my early adult years. Her words have never left me and even now I protect myself from her, not seeing her if feeling vulnerable or tired, energy bubbles and affirmations before/during a catch up and working hard to gain the confidence and self love that was knocked from me during childhood.

I have worked on releasing anger towards her and through therapy, meditation and personal growth have learnt to live with the past as the past and look forward. I am not sure I have forgiven Mum though, if anything now as a mother myself I am truly baffled at how I have been treated and work hard to not be the parent she was. It dawned on me during my conversation with my brother that we have both had to go through this and have done it separately and in a very shut off manor, something my other two siblings must have also done as we were all treated the same growing up. It saddens me we couldn't have pulled together but I was grateful for the brief chat with my brother as I didn't feel so alone in my situation (I made sure I told him I was glad we had had our chat).

We all have children now and each of us four siblings have brought/are bringing our children up very differently to one another. I am sure we are all ensuring our children know they are loved though! That's how parenting works right, you either become just as your parents were or go in a different direction to try and allow your children a childhood different to your own.

Sadly it has taken me a while to realise this is something my own mother couldn't do, her mother didn't or couldn't show her the affection a child needs and so she had no idea how to show it to us. Her own issues and anger had a knock on affect on all four of her children and we have all had our difficulties within our relationship with her and as individuals. In a way I feel sorry for her, as I see her age and begin to view life differently, realise for some things it is just too late, you cannot get time back.

Then the next step in my head is the fear of what if I do the same to my children or if in my overcompensating behaviour I cause a different kind of issue? I would go as far to say I am paranoid about becoming not only the mother but also the wife that she is. This fear is unhealthy and I am working on releasing it for I know how the law of attraction works and that is something I most definitely do not wish to attract.

I know I love her and despite a lot of doubt throughout my life I do believe she loves me as she does all of her children. I am going to take our relationship as a lesson - what a blessing to have a lesson so early on in my life to teach me how I want to live my adult life and how I want to parent. So really the one thing I do want to say to my Mum is 'Thanks, I love you'.

Someone Out There

Take a few minutes to listen to this beautiful song by Rae Morris - Someone Out There

We all need reminding of this from time to time, share this with your friends and family today!

Marriage

This year will mark the tenth year since I met my husband and nine years since we got married. Our daughters will turn eight and six this year also. Some might say we don't hang around, but we just knew from that first kiss. Almost sounds movie like I know.

Now these ten years haven't all been smooth running, there was a low time when I truly believed our marriage was over, that we had somehow failed. There have been times when we have held one another wondering how we were going to get through the challenges the universe was sending our way. Neither of us knows how we have got here through these challenges but we have and best of all we are happy!  

Going into our tenth year together has got me thinking what the next ten years will bring and excited as to where our journey is going to take us with our beautiful girls by our sides.

Two close friends of ours have got married this year and what beautiful moments their special days were. I felt a rush of excitement for them knowing they have found love, knowing they have a life full of adventure ahead of them. This got me wondering, can we ever give advice on marriage? Are there 'rules' which if you follow you'll be together for the rest of your days?

I am not sure there are - we have friends whose living set up is very different to ours but it works for them. I am aware there are people who couldn't live how we live in regards to house chore sharing, having personal space, the lack of nights out and even how we talk our stuff through but it works for us. It has taken us a while to get the balance right and as we all grow and develop we will need to change things slightly to keep us balanced.

Like everything in life I need to do what is right for me and within any relationship that is discussing everyone's needs and compromising from time to time, checking in from time to time how everyone is and if I have a concern I don't keep it in, I let them know and ask me to do the same. Now that is what works for me and my husband. Maybe that works for others too, maybe it doesn't.

The one thing all relationships need is honesty, yes sometimes it is hard to hear what the other person has to say but listen and work through it, it is worth those few uncomfortable moments for all the happy ones. Apart from that just do what works for you as a couple, that is truly unique to you because each couple is truly unique right?

Fix Yourself

I do not believe anyone goes through life without needing some personal time, time to work on themselves and space to stop and listen to where they need to be heading. Some people might need more time to fix themselves than others but we all need fixing from time to time and that is healthy. 

Many people (including my past self) look for fixing through relationships either family, friend or romantic, career status, alcohol, food, medication, drugs and even environmental changes e.g moving house. The truth is though is that no one or nothing can fix you, only you can. This might not always be easy, actually most of the time it isn't easy but working through the discomfort brings nothing but benefits. Not working through discomfort only brings more discomfort. 

Now if we don't check in on ourselves to see if we need fixing (maybe think of it more as maintenance) we break, just as a car will break down without services and general good care. It can take a few months or even years for some but the time will come to everyone. Signs of this include depression, anxiety and physical illness. This is not a sign of weakness, it is a chance to show your inner strength. To grow as a person mentally, even spirituality. Our body and mind will let us know if it is unhappy all we have to do is listen. 

Listening is easier said than done in a busy world of noise though - social noise, environmental noise and mental noise all drown out the signs our body gives us. So how can we hear our body over all that daily noise?

How about we all try something? Every day check in once, just for a few minutes, stop and check in. Ask yourself how you feel, scan your body for any aches or pains, check in on your energy levels and if they are OK for the time of day and most importantly stop and breathe deeply. This will only take a few minutes, it can be done anywhere - in the shower, first thing upon waking or last thing at night in bed, on the train to work even sat on the toilet. Find a time to suit you and do it. 

Listen and if something needs fixing then fix it, whether some early nights are needed,basic back stretches or a chat with your boss about work related stresses your body will let you know exactly what it is you are needing at that moment to stay healthy.  

  

Just try a few minutes for a week, then a fortnight, then a month and then check in again as to how your are feeling and the connection between your mind and body. You might you start doing it more than once a day, maybe first thing in the morning and again last thing at night or that you take longer to check in but finish feeling more relaxed and focused, just see how you go. There is no right and wrong, just listen.  

Who is with me?

The world of Pinterest brought this to me today and it sat so well with me and related beautifully with how I feel so I wanted to share it with you. I know I cannot be alone in this! 

Social Media - Friend or Foe?

I did pretty well at school grade wise, I got top grades at college and have graduated from university. I moved out of home at 17 to work away for 12 months before working in care, bar work and becoming self employed. All of these experiences aid my belief that I am not totally daft, some have even called me intelligent. To add to this I am also a mother in my 30's, teaching my children to have pride in their achievements, feel comfortable in their skin and to focus on all the blessings we have in our lives - after all we have a home where we are safe and loved!
So how did I get caught up in the social media trap?
Well everyone is on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and whatever other options we can join in on right? I myself am a Facebook user, anything past that is lost on me and to be honest when something changes on Facebook my husband usually ends up explaining it to me (we cannot be smart at everything right!).

Until about 18 months ago I used Facebook a fair bit - checked it a few times daily, uploaded photos, did regular status updates but the more I used Facebook the more my moods would drop, the higher my anxiety levels would be and the lower my self confidence would become. Now some people 'get it', they can switch off to the social pressure and comparisons - my husband is one of these people and for him that is great. It took me a long time to see this link, that within a hour of reading about some old friends weight loss I was looking in the mirror wondering how I could loose weight or feeling fatter than I had when I awoke that morning. Putting it like it I am shocked it took me so long to realise but I just didn't connect what I had read or seen earlier that day to how my mood had changed. What a hypocrite - telling my children to be grateful for what we have but feeling envy towards an acquaintance who had just brought a brand new car. 

I thought for months about leaving social media, purely for my mental health but good old fear of missing out, that social animal kept creeping up but really what is social about talking through a screen, looking at what an old school friend ate for lunch?! As a home educating family, pretty much every group or event is advertised or organised through Facebook, this was something we really couldn't miss out on. I suspended my account though and my mind felt better, oddly I missed it for a while especially when my husband would tell me something he had seen but soon enough that passed as my brain became full of more positive thoughts. True friends have my phone number, we can message one another, talk on the phone, actually meet in person to catch up and you know what when we see each other we actually have loads to talk about because we haven't been having daily updates of our lives trickling through to one another through statuses and photos.

Two other experiences helped change my outlook on social media. Firstly we attended a party which was nice enough all be it a rather calm and a slightly quiet affair. On our return home photos by the organiser had been posted and I asked my husband if we had even been at the same event?! Wow those photos made the afternoon look much more energetic and full of laughter than it had been. This was someone who I had previously looked at their photos and felt boring, felt they had a funner life than me, that they were so social with a fantastic funny social circle, something I felt I was missing. I had been at this event and it was nothing like the photographs, how many more social gatherings were like this for them?

Secondly, we have all had the weight loss status updates come up on our news feed, now these truly got to me and to be honest I am not too sure why. Id see people saying how many pounds they had lost in the week and think I was lazy I needed to do something despite my husband saying they were overweight and you are not it just really bothered me. Someone on my news feed lost 5lbs in a week and I was taken back by their achievement, full of guilt and self loathing. I bumped into a relative of this person a fortnight later and passed comment on how well they were doing with working towards a healthy weight. The response I received was unexpected 'Yes I suppose so but I don't know why she puts it it on Facebook especially when she put most of that back on the following week'. Now I am in no way happy this lady gained her lost weight again as it is negative for both her physical and mental health. I understand why she did not post this update the following week but I wonder what if she had done. What response would she have got? Is she even aware of how her weight loss status made me and possibly others feel? Of course not, in the same way that we were unaware she had gained the weight again.

There is always more behind the status, the photos and the selfies, I wont even start on the photo filters and angles that can make someone look totally different but I will say my daughter didn't recognise anyone in a group of four girls on a night out when shown a picture by me and my husband despite the centre girl being my niece, her own cousin who had been to our house that very week and to me that says a great deal!

So should we be more honest online, show people both the ups and downs of our lives, if you wish to then yes go for it but if that isn't for you maybe we shouldn't share the positive even slightly over exaggerated or distorted stories or photos of our daily lives either. Are these 'friends' really friends if we cannot share both sides of our lives with them? Why are we trying to impress them with our successes? Why do we need these 'friends' to comment on how great we look, how fab our new sofa is when we could just be happy with ourselves and focus on how we feel about ourselves and our possessions?

Now I've done the smug statuses and I have felt the negative thoughts of reading others so I stopped it for myself and others. With mental health problems becoming more common is there something that can be done to improve this by how we approach social media? I don't know but I know that I for sure feel better avoiding it!

Just think about it next time you post or read a post online!

Oh and that person with the brand new car, brought it on credit and is now anxious about whether she will manage the repayments each month but you know she is smiling in the photograph and the car is super shiny! Stop and think about it for a moment!

******************************************************************************* Do not panic our girls are not missing out on home education events and groups due to me leaving Facebook. We set up a profile just to access these groups to ensure they do not miss out! They now have a more happier mother to take them to the fantastic groups and events made available to them thanks to social media - it isn't all bad I remind
myself!

Motherhood and Personal Identity

Becoming a mother showed me a part of me I never knew existed, as like all new parents when I delivered our eldest a new me was also born - a strength I never thought I had, emotions I had never experienced and a love which words cannot describe.

How do you keep you keep your identity when parenthood fills your brain? In those early days there is nothing else on your mind except the small human being you have been blessed with and rightly so. How do you keep your personal identity? Your other relationships healthy and balanced?

These are big questions to me and something I see some people manage more so than others. What is their secret? The biggest problem with me was my personal identity changed dramatically not because I became a mother but because of my own personal head stuff and I do not miss the old me at all. Deep down though maybe this is why I struggle to keep my personal identity separate from Mummy because it all changed so much around the same time. Maybe I should make time to be me away from my children and relax? This is what I am told by friends, family and the media world so it must be what I need to do right?!

Wrong! I love being with my children all day everyday and watching them grow. One day they won't need me around so why do I want to miss it now, I cannot get this time back. I used to believe that I was struggling to keep my personal identity since becoming a mother but being a mother is part of my identity now and that is a beautiful thing. I still read books to relax, enjoy cooking and experimenting with new recipes, love being outside walking, exploring and have a rather sweet tooth - all of these were part of me before motherhood. OK I might not get as much time to do these things alone but now I do this with two beautiful souls by my side. Yes sometimes I want some peace by myself, I am human after all and I ensure when those feelings arise that I let my husband know so we can get it arranged. As our girls get older it is becoming easier though, going to bed early with a book when I need some me time is something our girls get now (the majority of the time) and it has been a perfect way to teach them about self care - an important part of our lives if we are to stay healthy and happy! 

Yes me and my husband miss our pub lunches with friends which lead into afternoons and evenings of laughter and dance, we look back at those days fondly with appreciation but times have changed for us all now and that isn't a bad thing! Maybe we can pick it up again when the children are adults and see who still has the best moves. We enjoy the moments now when we can share a tub of ice cream together when the girls are both sleeping well, they mean more now they are a rare enjoyment.

So to those parents who happily have their regular nights out and lunches with friends child free and enjoy it, keep doing it and keep enjoying it! I have no opinion on your choices I just know that isn't for me. Me and my husband are happy with film nights at home and cuddles on the sofa for our 'us' time and once maybe twice a year when we do go out child free is more than enough for now!

Loneliness

How is it we can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely? Not left out because you’re not involved in the discussion taking place but truly lonely inside, lost and wondering if anyone will ever ‘get you’, unsure that even you ‘get you’. True loneliness is a heavy weight to carry and one which is invisible to everyone else around you, carrying a shame which means it cannot be mentioned.

Now being alone can be bliss whether in a room full of people (I love being in a busy book store cafe sat reading with a cuppa in my own world) or physically alone (I love sitting on the sofa alone cuddled up with a good film or book), it can be recharging, relaxing and most of all enjoyable. This alone time is very different to loneliness, deep rooted loneliness which is there whatever you are doing or whoever you are with it is there.  

Loneliness has been with me for as long as I can remember from sitting around the table quietly with four other children in primary school to partying as hard as I could as a seemly confident carefree young women. Long term partnership and marriage has not filled the void, motherhood is the most beautiful gift yet it doesn’t fill the gap. What’s wrong with me? Conventional medication couldn’t take it away.

Until recently I truly believed this was something I was alone in experiencing, surely others couldn’t be living with this as well? Everyone else looks so happy, contented and fulfilled.

Turns out so do I! Firstly I thought why don’t people talk about this more then a more important question came to mind. What is it we are looking for to complete us, to fill the loneliness?

Alcohol, drugs, sex and even material belongings just are not enough, they are short term fixes but the loneliness is deep rooted. It is within the soul, not the physical hence the physical fixes not filling the gap. What are our souls in need of to rid our selves of this intense feeling?

Do our souls need a belief system a religion even to feel connected to more than just the physical earth? Personally I have explored a few different belief systems reading and researching, some of it making sense to me other parts just not sitting well with me at all. 

The earth is one thing which eases this loneliness, a nice walk in the countryside, a beautiful view on a clear day eases the loneliness. It always has done even as a child I remember finding comfort in the great outside world. The night sky calls me, the sight of a full moon on a clear night is hypnotic to me. 

As I explore and find comfort in the elements and cycle of the earth I wonder if that was what I needed all along, does my soul need to be connected to the cycle it is part of? If we all stayed connected to nature and listened to our bodies would we feel more fulfilled? Is the busy physical life, the world of social media, deadlines and expectations disconnecting us and if not causing then increasing the loneliness within many of us?